Mom's Tree House

Archive for the ‘Sex and Relationships’ Category

Always remember why you fell in love with your partner and keep that fire burning. Here is my list of how my husband and I continue lusting for one another. You got anymore, let me know. I want to hear how you lust for your loved one.

1. Keep sex interesting- Do it in every room of your house, not just the bedroom.
2. Keep some clothes on – Let him/her help you take the clothes off and leave something for the imagination. Or, do it with clothes on, this let’s your partner know you couldn’t wait to have them.
3. Begin the day with foreplay- Let him/her know you are thinking about them by sending sexy emails or sexting. By the time both of you get home,  the anticipation of seeing each other will be at it’s peak.
4. Touch- Touching lets the person know you are in tune with them. Do it in public, and it becomes exciting. Kiss your spouse and whisper to them you need them and want them. Then rush to get home.
5. Start the night with dinner- A night with candles, soft music, some food and finger edibles will relax you from a long day at work. Feed each other. It will then lead to some intimacy but also to some comfort, as each partner will feel that they are needed at the end of the day.
6. Talk and Listen- Know your partner’s likes and dislikes, and talk about what you want to try and not willing to try in the bedroom. Once each partner reaches a comfort level to express their true feelings, the possibilities are endless.       
7. Role Playing-Dress up and wait for your partner to come home. Meet your partner somewhere pretending to be strangers. This is basically grown-up playing a imaginary game. Trust me, it is fun!
8.  Act like teenagers- Go somewhere secluded and make-out. This brings you back to the days on how you fell in love. Hold hands and cuddle, then go home and finish it off.
9. Use code words- We are all too busy and Lou and I came up with a word (unintentionally) to remind us of slowing down and concentrate on us. When Lou texts this word to me, I know he is missing me and needs me. We then take a day just to ourselves. Our code word, just in case you are wondering, “FLESH”.
10. I Love you-Say it every day!

What do you think about my list? Do you have other ideas to keep him/her lusting after you? Share it!

For more articles on Sex and Relationships, visit my weekly column at Parent Palace.

Now, this is a subject that came to me when I was working with some young women a couple of years ago regarding safe sex. these young ladies were admitting that they had more than once sexual partner because simply they felt unsatisfied in the bedroom. They stated that they loved their partners but that some things were lacking or not “just there”. My advice, is to TALK. And maybe you can talk your way to better sex.

Nothing speaks louder about love than two people being able to communicate with each other. If you want better sex, communicate better! It sounds easy enough, right? Well, that’s because it is. Better communication equals better sex!

As we all know, the brain is the key component of all our feelings, senses and drives. Ultimately, it is a powerful sex organ. when you communicate with someone, information is being sent, processed and registered. Yet, it is up to the individual to process that information and retain it as to then make the necessary changes needed to rectify the situation and come to an understanding. So, being the brain is where all emotions, feelings and senses reside, and there is now better communication, it will then lead to  more  fulfilling sexual intimacy and more of a emotional understanding.

So, What do I mean by communicate?

I mean talk about and share feelings, ideas and thoughts. Discussing dreams, fantasies and desires. Express how you feel and what you wish for and want. Tell each other what you like and don’t like. Tell each other how the other makes them feel and how you love and trust them. The more a couple feels connected the better the sex will be.

Whether you think communication will improve your sex life or not, is up to you but , why not try it.  It costs nothing, but a little bit of time with each other. The possible rewards might just be pretty great!

To read more of my articles on sex and Relationships, you can visit my weekly column at Parent Palace.

Every time I go through magazines or converse with friends, we always come to the conclusion that society still perceives women as being submissive. I guess becuase sex involves men inserting themselves into women, maybe becuase men are on top and over women, while they insert their penis and women lay down to take “it in”. Is this considered the natural act of dominance? Does this mean women are submissive?

Let’s face it, some men believe that women are submissive due to their own imagination that women are the second, weaker sex.  I should also state here, that with this belief, comes the mistreatment of women reaffirming the myth that women are their object to own. Men are constantly devising new strategies to keep women in their place. Yet, I tend to believe that this may no longer be the case, unless you live in a third world country. Women are not submissive, unless they want to be, as I find that more women are controlling their relationship by pretending to be submissive.  

Like Neyo says he wants miss independent, someone who walks like a boss and talks like a boss, car and her crib paid for and all of that and most of my guy friends will agree with this sentiment. Yet, these same friends also say that they have problems with their wives/girlfriends because they are too stubborn, they do not listen, because they are simply not submissive enough. Are you confused? Yeah, so am I.

Truth be told, most women today are in the business world than ever before. In fact, the US Labour union shows that 49.83% of all US jobs are held by women and that 51% of all workers in high paying professional and management jobs are women! For me, that screams “Miss Independent”. I then started thinking, could women really  be independent and submissive at the same time? Are women really being independent in one situation and submissive in another in order to be the perfect woman? The truth is, I don’t know the answers to these questions but when I went out to dinner with four of my girlfriends I was curious to see what they thought.

 My girlfriend Maria, an accountant, who has recently gone through a divorce stated that if maybe she acted a little more dumb she might still have been married. Stacy, a Social Worker, also added that women do want some control over their own lives but, when it came down to the bedroom, women had to allow the boyfriends/husbands to take control. Meaning  we had to be a little more submissive as to boost their egos. 

 It appeared to me then that the world is sending us conflicting messages. It seems that women are expected to be business moguls, tearing down the barriers of the business world but at home, we have to turn in our briefcases for aprons and become humble and stupid. My other girlfriend Lisa, then interrupted my thought by simply saying that we have to be submissive in the bedroom because in the bedroom is where men had to feel powerful, and honestly, what woman does not want their man to ravish their body in total sexual submission? Good point!

 Can the power in a submissive/dominant relationship actually tilt in favour of the submissive? And we, as women compromising our  intelligence, our power in pretending to be submissive?  Or are we using our power in pretending to be submissive?

This article seems to have raised more questions than answers, and if I’m going to be honest with you, then I have to state here, that I really do believe that  women are down playing their independence and acting submissive to keep the balance of a relationship neutral and balanced. Or really, so no toes are stepped on and egos don’t get broken. To further instill the concept of a woman, “leading from behind”  or the belief that ”behind every great man, there is a great woman”. The real question, is whether she is screwing him from behind.

What do you think?

Growing up in a Latin family, I was taught the lessons of loving and caring for your family through sacrafice.  The women in my family taught me to keep your kids fed and clean, your house  organized and your husband happy. I also grew up seeing the women in my family endured infedilities, abuse and maltreatment. 

 At 15, I became pregnant and soon after left home. I then became one of those women. I made excuses, I blamed my self when things went wrong, I learned to ignore the lies he told and when he made me feel bad about myself, I told myself I deserved it.

As women, we often find ourselves in situations that at times we cannot control. We are taught from an early age that one day we will be wives and mothers, yet no one teaches you on the “What if’s ?” of a relationship. What if things don’t work out? What if things go worng? What if he leaves you? What if you need to leave him? What if he abuses you, cheats on you, lies to you, belittles you, humiliates you or hits you? What will you do? 

I learned the hard way, I lived in an abusive relationship for almost 18 years becuase I did not know what to do. I was taught that relationships have their ups and downs, but no one taught me when to give up and when to get out. Instead, I was taught to endure, because family had to stick togther no matter what.  Looking back, I  realized that all the signs were there but I chose to ignore them. Maybe I did not want to see what was right in front of me, maybe I told myslef that things would get better or maybe, I was afriad of  just letting go.

Now as an adult, mature woman and as  a mother and grandmother, I could see and even pin point the mistakes of my past. Now, I thrive to teach my kids the value of self-worth and as to recognize red flags of a relationship. I teach them to think ahead, because the bottom line is…that the life you have today you may not have tomorrow. Yet, I teach my kids that their tomorrow really depends on the choices they make today. Unlike the lessons of my own childhood, I teach my boys the value of respecting themselves by respecting women. For my daughter, I emphasize the lesson of being self-reliant. I indulge my kids to ask themsleves the “What if’s?” so they in turn, and hopefully, be a little prepared when things, or if, things ever go wrong, if the relationship goes bad.

I see too many young girls and women still enduring a bad relationshio because they cannot afford to be on their own, or they don’t have jobs, or simply because they belive things will get better but please, allow me to make it clear. People wont change unless they want to, love does not conquer all, control is not love, jealousy is not fear of loosing you and because maybe he had it rough, or had a bad childhood, does not give him the right to hit you or verbally abuse you.

I am all for love, I usually jump right into, and I believe in taking risks but, as women, keep yourself close and do not give up “you”. Know the “What If’s” becuase in the end, if things do go wrong, you may be the only one to help you and your kids.

I currently posted this article for Parent Palace in where I post a weekly column on Sex and Relationships. Thought I share it with you today but, would love for you to visit me at Parent Palace as well. Will totally love for your more for it!

I remember a time in where I would make preparations in creating a romantic night with my then boyfriend, now husband Lou memorable and just perfect. Wearing a nice, appealing outfit, followed by some food and wine, some sexy under clothes and just taking the time to be with each other. Now, four years later, we are still in love and even more so, with some difficult times we shared as well as some wonderful moments, such as the birth of our son but, sex has now transitioned unto a whole different level.

Lou and I still enjoy our closeness but, sexy outfits have now turned into jeans and T-shirts, food and wine is now minute-meals and apple juice, sexy under clothes, well, I don’t even bother.   We are exhausted and our sexy nights now have to be planned so we don’t loose each other in the process of taking care of “the baby”. 

Lou and I make a conscious effort in making time for each other. Yet, more times than I can count, this proves to be impossible so, when it comes down to SEX, we just go with it. So, at night after the baby has gone to bed, we try to be quiet so the baby does not wake up, or get out of bed or climb into our bed in order to make the rest of the evening ours.  Yet, I notice that Lou and I are in a sexual-comfort zone that still excites us as a couple, because although we plan to spend some “alone” time with each other, it never works out that way and now, it has become a game of “getting it when you can.”

Lou and I enjoy our little flirty games, and we  make a point to remember that we are also Mom and Dad, so everything is rated “G” which means Mommy and Daddy alone time, with ears pricked in case we hear Franco calling us. Yes, it is a whole to do and the freedom to be intimate is now restricted with our beautiful boy, but that is okay.  Yet, at night, after the baby has gone to sleep, we take great comfort in sitting in front of the TV and enjoying our sexy night, because sometimes watching a good movie on the set, is all the sex we want.  We do  however, make it a point to be attentive to one another, so we maintain that closeness that attracted us to each other because we do feel is important. Lou and I both have friends that claim sex has literally become non-existent after  having children, and as time passes we both notice how those relationships has changed, from being couples to simply being parents.

As parents, we need to take a “Time-Out” for sex. Make time to be intimate, to spend some time alone, and make sex a priority. It is an important part of every relationship including Moms and Dads. Becoming parents qualifies taking on different roles togther but, it does not mean, you have to loose each other in the process.

My girlfriend came by today and asked me how could a person tell when a relationship was really over ? She wanted answers on when one should give up on their relationship or continue working at it? I wish I had the answers to give her, but only advised her that it was only up to those two individuals to decide when to call it “quits” or not.  

 ”Are there ways to tell when a relationship is in trouble?” Of course they are but, I believe  that if the two people involved acknowledge that there are problems, are willing to work at the relationship and seek help early enough, then maybe, it can be saved.

The first step, is to recognize the warning signs as to address them immediately, before the resentment and hatred sets in.

1. Fighting- It never stops, you finf yourself fighting with your partner all the time.

2. Outside Comfort- You or your spouse are spending more time away from home. You find excuses to be out and will seek companionship and comfort with someone else.

3. Friends- You or your spouse rather spend more time with friends. You will also listen to their advice more readily, without considering consequence.

4. Forgetting- What made you fall in love with that other person

5. Laughter- is simply non-existent

6. Over-reacting- The belief you are not loved due to unrealistic situations (ie:feeling your spouse does not love you  because  he/she did not like the same movie) 

7. Communication- You find no common interest for conversation. Refusing to talk anymore. 

8. Sex- There is no sexual interaction in the relationship or you find yourself/spouse sleeping in separate rooms.

9. Hopelessness- Feeling that the relationship cannot be repaired but have no hope on how to move on, where to go and who might love you next. 

10. Accepting-You/spouse live with the relationship as is, hoping the situation will resolve itself through time.

If any of what I listed appears familiar, then your relationship may be in trouble. So, if want to keep that person because,  you know there is  love somewhere in the middle of that choas and hurt, then address it, before it may be too late. 

Most of us go through life hoping to find ”THE ONE”.  I was lucky enough to have ‘THE ONE” find me. Yet, for some us, we still believe that our prince charming will enter our life,  sweep us off our feet and take us off into the sunset. Well ladies…that is never going to happen. We meet people, because somehow, fate put them there.  Ultimately, whether they meant for us or not, we still learn something from them. We then take those lessons learned and hope the next relationship, will work out.

After breaking up from a 15-year relationship, I spent the next four years being single. I took time to be alone and to be expressive.  I governed my freedom, my choices, my sexuality and independence. I took time to simply find myself, and as cheesy that may sound, it’s exactly what I did. There were a few bumps on the road, some mistakes along the way,  but I did not care. They were my mistakes, I don’t regret any of them. Through it all though, there was one thing I found, relationships means work. PERIOD!    

So, after meeting Lou, I soon learned that the key to truly finding myself was  letting go of what happened in my past. I knew however, what I wanted and needed in a relationship. I also knew that I was no longer going to compromise “me”.

My reasons why I an now “Happily Married”:

1. Commitment- Yes, the big “C” word. We are committed to each other and that means work. Relationships takes work and room for growth. That means allowing each other to grow as individuals because lets face it, people are always changing as to adapt to their environment and situations. By committing to one another, you are accepting of that change, whether through anger or disappointments, you are working together in building a strong and healthy relationship.    
2. Freedom- Personally, this is an important quality I need in a person. It is also the most difficult. People have this misconception that in order to love someone, you have to control them. In fact, I tend to believe that if you love someone, then allow them to be who they are.
3. Respect- It gives the relationship a mutual understanding that what is important to one, is also important to the other. It also means, believing in your spouse and supporting their beliefs, thoughts and ideas, no matter how crazy at times they may seem.
4. Equality- Treat each other the same whether each owns circumstance are the same or not. Basically, this refers to money. In today’s world women are still earning less than men, but with the recession, women are holding more jobs then men. When income shifts, so does the relationship. We make it a point in not making money interfere on how we feel toward each other. 
5. Support- When we face difficult times, we often look toward the one person whom we feel will understand us and support us. Being supportive of one another is a fundamental element in letting  the other know that is okay to fail. To remind them that they are not alone. It provides the sense of unconditional love.
6. Communication- Talking to one another, plain and simple, right? Nope! If you have a difficult time talking to your partner, the less you will be open to her/him. Talking openly to one another allows room to be expressive in more ways than one. Allowing the freedom to be expressive without being judgemental allows room for growth, compromise and understanding. 
7. Touching- Sometimes, I feel that people don’t realize how important touching is. I am not just talking about being sexual but, rather as an alternative to talking. There is misconception that “silence” is bad and that space and time needs to be filled with speech. I disagree.  A simple stroke on a hand, a smile,  a gentle peck on a cheek, or an embrace goes a long way. It tells the other person that you are thinking of them, that you appreciate them or simply that you love them.     
8. Introspection-Reflect with one another on things you have accomplished or have overcome together.  It gives the sense, that together, you are unstoppable and strong. That if your relationship is able to withstand difficult times, then you can overcome anything else  that comes a long the way, as long as you are committed to one another.     
9. Laughter- Sometimes, we can’t take life to seriously, and that is the same for relationships. Having the ability to laugh at yourself, at your partner and with each other, makes life a little easier to handle. Having a good sense of humor makes the relationship more fun. 
10. Trust-Now, this the most important quality in a relationship. It is the element that holds the relationship together. If you don’t trust your spouse, then you can’t respect them or commit to them. You can’t  allow them freedom or treat them equally. Without trust, you cannot laugh or talk without words. You cannot introspect with one another, because you are separate from one another. Personally, I had to learn to trust, people will tell me, “take a leap of faith” when I actually felt I was jumping off a cliff.  

But I took that first step, and I’m glad I did and well…the rest is history!

Every month, my girls and I get together to catch up on what has been going on lately our lives. We talk about our husband’s, our kids, work, social life, etc, etc, etc. Yesterday, we met for our monthly girl’s night out and it appeared that we had one topic on our agenda to discuss, “Time”. How do we do it all? How do we keep everyone in our families happy? How do we meet our deadlines at work? I mean, how did we even get the time to see each other last night? We never really thought about it, or even talked about it. I guess is because we just get up in the morning and do what we have to do. It appears though that each one of us had a routine that made our lives functional. Funny though, is not until last night, that I realize I too had a structured routine. One thing we did have in common though, it was that our routines took extra helping hands, outside support and a lot of scheduling. Here is how I make my chaotic life work.

I Plan Ahead

Every night I prepare for the following day. I pull out my outfit and the baby’s for the following day. Having our clothes ready in the morning saves a lot time, especially when you don’t know what you want to wear. Making your choice the night before saves you the frustration and tantrums you might have in the morning because you can’t find anything to wear or because nothing looks right. I also pack Franco’ diaper bag at night, ensuring all his needed items are placed in the bag. Once I feel I finished packing his bag, I go over all the items saying the items out loud as I touch each one. I don’t know why, but after doing this, if I forgot something, I will remember at that point. I just take his milk and juice bottles in the morning and place them in the bag.

I created a Support System at Work

I work with a lot of moms at work and although we all try to keep our personal lives out of the job, sometimes it just can’t be helped. So, when it comes down to staying home because the baby is sick, someone will be there to cover for me, and vice versa. We all take turns picking up the extra slack and covering for each other. We also help each other by sharing babysitters. So, if one of our babysitter’s don’t show up, we already have a list of checked and known babysitter’s to choose from. Franco goes to an In-Home day care center so I really have not run into this problem. My co-moms however, still have the day care information in the list just in case they want to sign up their child into daycare.

Lou and I schedule together

Since Lou and I both work and we both work odd hours, we review our calendars together every week as to note any changes with our schedules. So, every Sunday night we take out our planners and go over on who is going to drop off and pick up the baby, work hours, any appointments, events and any other extended family or friends activities (like my girl’s night out). We always plan our schedule separately in the beginning of the month and combine them together, as so our schedules and responsibilities of home do not conflict with that of work. Once we worked out our calendars, we then generate it into a big one and post in on the fridge. This is very helpful as Lou does not always look at his planner and will probably forget something.

Poppa and Nana Helps with Date Night

Nana is Lou’s older sister and Poppa is Lou’s brother in-law, grandparents of five and Aunt and Uncle to Franco, they are still known to all of us as Poppa and Nana. I cannot say enough about them, as they are two wonderful human beings. Poppa and Nana always help with babysitting when Lou and I want to reconnect. Lou makes it a point to take me out alone without Franco on what he calls our “Date Night” at least once a month. For that night, we remember how to converse and not babble, we could drink wine and not apple juice, we can watch a rated “R” movie and not “PG”. I love “Date Night”. It’s a night just for him and me.

Me Time

Every night after the Franco is in bed Lou and I usually separate into different rooms to take time for our selves. Lou usually stays in the bedroom and unwinds playing video games while I go into the living room and read, write or watch a movie. It is our “alone” time.

After our alone time, we then feel relax enough to go to sleep, as s we can get up early in the morning to do it all over again.